Why

Seven o’clock a.m means I’m exhausted/weak lying in bed and trying to determine the best course.  The objective is to not move too quickly to aggravate worse nausea or even worse to cause vomiting!  This is how I start my days.

I wrote Friday that I know these things make us stronger.  But, what if I didn’t want to work on being stronger right now?  I’ve gone down that confusing road lately of asking why.  Obviously we can’t understand sickness, but why does God allow us to go through really trying times?  It hasn’t just been the sickness of pregnancy, its really been a year now that my body hasn’t been well.

There is so much I want to do right now.  I’m much improved from a month ago, but being home with the kids I still fight hard to survive eight hours.  I count down the hours and then minutes until they will nap and I’ll crawl into bed myself to rest.  (Naps are so much deeper sleep then the tossing and turning I do every night).  When nap-time is over I want to make a nice dinner for Ryan.  I want to deep clean rooms that have been neglected.  But I can’t.  I need to do the bare minimum to not feel worse.  Instead I count down the hours and then minutes until “daddy will be home”.

Why do I have to suffer through such an exciting time of pregnancy?  Why are my deliveries so horrific that my Dr would rather just schedule surgery to get this baby out?  I believe God is powerful.  I believe He has ultimate control.  S0-why?

My niece Grace has been sick for three weeks.  Not just a sniffle or a seasonal bug.  She’s a really sick little girl and the Dr’s are trying to figure out what Grace has.  My heart aches for Grace and my sister who has been home caring for her girl.  I know Grace and I are not the only ones living in sickness.  I know my struggle is so minor to what others are going through.  This perspective makes me so thankful for the blessings that I ache to be enjoying again in health!

(cousins: Jude, Jameson and Grace)

April 2011

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One thought on “Why

  1. The “why” questions are definitely hard and we usually don’t get the answers to them. I surely don’t understand why you have had to suffer through the past weeks with nausea/ and sickness. There has definitely been lots of prayer going up for you. I know Margie has struggled through the same issues related to healing and has written some great thoughts on this issue. You might want to read her blog.
    I’ve had my share of “why” questions related to you guys too. I have asked the Lord, “Why” do they have to live SO far away from us! “Why” can’t they be closer so we can help them out during times like this. I have wished so much that I could just hop into the car and drive for a few hours and come take care of the children and give you guys a break. I have to remind myself that God knows the big picture and that He is in control and will take care of you guys. That is easier said than done. It’s hard not to worry about you and Ryan and the children. I know I have to trust God and that He is able to do” exceedingly, abundantly beyond what I can ask or think.”
    We also have to know and believe that “all things will work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.” Just know that I am standing in faith with you.

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