we change

Tonight I sat rocking Colette thinking of my sister Anna who became a mama this week. I was trying to remember becoming a mama for the first time.  That feels like so long ago.  I feel different now.  As I rocked I thought of the many times I’ve rocked all three of my babies.  In this big recliner.  How I came home after having a c section with Colette and slept and nursed in this chair for days.  My body felt broken, and yet I was so happy.

Many things have changed since I became a mama.  A few words have taken on entirely new definitions.  Like: tired, dirty, worry, and alone.

There are nights I’ve thought I absolutely cannot move I am so tired and then a baby is sick (that very night) and I can move.  I respond!  It’s a miracle, really.  God wired us in such an incredible way as mamas.  We respond because we know that this life is completely dependent on us.  For everything.  Its completely overwhelming, frustrating, and beautiful. All at the same time.

I remember telling Ryan (before having kids) that I needed to clean on a particular weekend because the house was dirty.  Clean for the weekend?  What could possibly have been dirty enough to clean for the weekend?  What a joke.

Oh, and worry!  Worry is something I never understood until I saw the positive sign on that first pregnancy test five years ago.  From the moment I knew we were pregnant, I was a mama.  It was my job to do everything within my power to protect this baby inside me. And the worries definitely didn’t stop when that baby arrived healthy.  Oh no! Then you can worry about nursing, diaper rash, colic, that strange spot on their head, their first day in daycare, their first fever, their first fall, their new rash, their ear infections, their potty training, their attitude…. (I think I’ll stop there).

I use to get alone time.  Ryan and I both did actually in the first five years of marriage.  You know.. we’d do our own things.  Now I never feel alone.  For this reason, I don’t even turn on the radio when I’m out alone running errands.  Today I was thinking of my weekend plans to visit my sister and her fresh baby girl and realized I haven’t been without Colette for a night in eighteen months (if you add pregnancy and her first eight months of life). EIGHTEEN MONTHS.  Clearly… I am rarely alone.

So.. I think of my sister Anna and the crazy, exhausting, dirty, beautiful, emotional journey she has just begun.  We get to share this mama life together now… because she’ll just “get things” that she didn’t before.

We change.


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