are we done?

We were driving home yesterday (the kids and I), talking about plans for the girls birthday celebration this weekend.  Jameson is at that awesome stage of wanting to know more. Questions follow more questions… (which reminds me that he’s growing up).  So- we were talking about birthdays and how each year you have one to celebrate the day you were born and then each year you’re a whole year older than you were before.  Due to Colette’s arrival this past year, our kids understand a bit about babies being born.  Jameson remembers my belly and coming to visit me in the hospital.  He quickly interjected: “mom, were you scared when the Dr. told you that I had to come out of your belly?”  

___________

I’ve been thinking about babies lately.  For some reason there are pregnant bellies everywhere I go.  The spring reminds me of babies.  This is when I was full term with all three of our kids.  Association is a powerful thing for me.  And right now with the hints of spring I remember like yesterday bringing babies home.

There is nothing like the day you meet your baby.  It seems the whole world stops (each time) you look at your baby and realize you’ve been gifted with the responsibility of motherhood. Thinking of babies is also an emotional association for me.. I would even call it a hard association.  I have really hard pregnancies, harder labors, hard recoveries, and babies that contribute towards a major lack of sleep. It makes me upset that it took/takes so much.. that I couldn’t be one of those girls who made it look easier.  I’ve heard stories about nausea that makes you crave diet Coke or barely making it to the hospital before having to push twice in delivery.  I don’t like hearing those stories.  Not because I wish everyone had a hard time.  I just wish my story had been easier.. that I was in better shape today.

Colette is nearly a year old and people are asking again if we’ll have another baby. Why is it that people don’t stop asking??   It seems everyone has an idea of when a good time is. They start asking as you’re leaving the hospital, unable to walk properly, with a newborn swaddled in your arms.  I digress.  My response has been quick and firm.  NO- WE WILL NOT BE HAVING ANOTHER BABY.  NOT FROM ME.

Because it took so much.  Because I wanted it to be different.

Just recently I’ve started to see how my response may not be right on the matter. I’m pretending I have control or that I know better.  And if either of those were true… today we wouldn’t have Colette.  And then I think of the many uncomfortable things I’m learning as a mom today because of every detail of my journey into motherhood.

I don’t want it to be different.  I want to be here, enjoying today better (because it took so much).  I wouldn’t want to change it if I could.  I want to be stronger for it.

we are not pregnant or planning a pregnancy.  Just processing as a mom and letting go of some things..

 

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